Losing It with Finesse

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n, I found out the Province of Ontario was providing funding to address the mental health fallout that has arisen as a result of COVID-19 (also a wonderful gesture) but that funding was going to public sector mental health agencies. Cursing this decision and reflecting on how the staff at those agencies are still, by and large, being paid, while those of us in private sector are losing our shirts.

I'm not an evil person. I don't begrudge people accessing publicly funded mental health supports. I just think that the way this funding has been administered is detrimental to mental health professionals in private practice. It would increase the number of contributors to the tax base if instead of allotting that money to agencies, a billing mechanism could be put in place to allow consumers to access services from a professional registered to practice a regulated health profession and let the professional bill the Province directly. This would prevent the struggle that those in private practice are currently facing, while making available the much needed mental health services.

Looking back on my business calls, it struck me that I hadn't had a single new referral in over 3 weeks. Then, I made the fatal error of going onto social media and stumbling across posts by others in my position, expressing concerns that they were losing business as a result of all these challenges. All the while, beating myself up for my inability to miraculously toilet train my 10-week old puppy, Max, in the space of the two weeks that we have been living together. 

Negativity had taken root.

I was doing a mental deep dive into the finances panic and reviewing what food I had, calculating how long I  could make it last when the last insult landed. My landlord's text came rolling in, notifying me that there was  plumbing problem in the other unit and plumbing would be shut off for the night. She advised me to keep a bucket of water to flush the toilet with until the plumber came. Deep breaths did nothing to keep the string of enthusiastically projected swear words at bay. 

​We're all human. You've seen the articles and memes proclaiming "It's OK to not be OK". What does it really mean? In short, that statement simply acknowledges that life happens, it is far from perfect and it is OK to lose it once in a while.  The operative term being "once in a while". If you're losing your cool all the time, that's a sign something needs to change.

It may be the circumstances or it could be your responses to your circumstances. It also depends on your definition of "losing it". 

If you're living with other people, there is a need to "not be OK" in a way which respects their right to live free from the threat of harm and to peaceful enjoyment of their home. If we're being honest, even if you're not living with other people, if you're living with pets, you need to respect their to live free from the threat of harm and peaceful enjoyment of their home too. If you're living within hearing range of your neighbours, it is important to remember that they  also have those rights. "Losing it" in a respectful manner can bring with it its own frustrations at any time, let alone at a time when staying home can be a matter of life or death to you and/or others. 

We all need to blow off steam at some point. The key is to do so in a safe, respectful manner. It's easy to say "go for a run" or "stay fit" as a mental health promotion tip but what about also just giving yourself permission to be frustrated, to scream into a pillow, to admit you're scared, overwhelmed and don't know what to do? Those are acceptable and perfectly normal parts of the human experience too but they don't make it to the glossy, pop culture mental health promotion material we have easy access to. 

We are human and with that comes a whole range of messy, complicated emotions. You're allowed to experience them all, even the nasty ones. What you're not allowed to do is harm others in the process. It is OK to not be OK but it is not OK to intentionally make someone else not OK.  So, how do you lose it with finesse? 

1) Step away from the electronic devices.
The temptation to post nasty comments or emails is too great and the satisfaction of having done so too immediate. The repercussions, unfortunately, come too late to do anything about it. Recognise that media is part of your problem. Everyone has become fixated, to some degree, on the negativity in the news right now.

Well guess what, the reason bad news sells is because it is highly unusual and therefore intriguing. Good news, people doing kind, compassionate things is so commonplace that there's very little money to be had reporting on it.  There is always more good going on in the world than bad. Yes, for sure there's a virus that's causing all hell to break loose. The statistics are scary. However, there is also a global, domestic and local response to that virus.

The Care-Mongering movement has evolved as a response to it. Medical innovations have come out of it. People are slowing down and catching their breath as a result of it. Goodness, there's even environmental benefits, such as aquatic life rarely seen in the canals of Vienna starting to thrive once again. The statistics on the positive stories related to COVID-19 will never be formalised because we're a problem-oriented society. We don't measure all the prosocial efforts that are put into place in the same way we measure deaths. The neighbours who start talking to each other from across the road despite living in the same neighbourhood for years, the complete strangers who start picking up groceries for their vulnerable neighbours, the donations and charities which have evolved in response to the crisis, the innovations, the alternative methods to deliver services that are more accessible to people previously excluded, and so on. 

The bad news will happen. We can't control that. We can control how we respond to it though. We can turn it off, which is an important first step. The next step is to go outside, feel the sun, rain, wind, snow or whatever weather is going on, on your face. Failing that, read a book, sit in silence, listen to music, listen to the hum of your ancient refrigerator (yes, I am doing that as I write this), anything except exposing yourself to the onslaught of bad news. 

2)  Examine what you're feeling, not what caused you to feel it.
As you become aware of not feeling "OK", that you're going to lose it, or that you have recently lost it, recognise it for what it is and name it. You don't have to name it to someone else but name it for yourself (e.g., "I'm feeling emotion because X, Y and Z").  Why is it making you feel this way? Don't judge it. Just call it what it is. 

In my case, I was feeling overwhelmed by the bad news and the financial fears that seemed to just keep coming. I was also feeling incompetent because I'm a behaviour analyst and have toilet trained grown adults who have evacuated when and where they please for their entire lives but couldn't toilet train my puppy perfectly within the first two weeks of knowing him.  Then, the water was going to be turned off, disrupting my night time routine and adding one more frustration to a day that sucked right from the beginning. When it rains, it pours but at least all that negativity got out the system at once. Tomorrow would be a new day. 

3) Challenge your assumptions.
This is the tricky part and often requires one to step away and cool down first. It requires you to be honest with yourself about your circumstances and your role in them. Let's take my situation as an example. 

I am not barrelling toward financial ruin. It certainly feels like it but I've got back up plans coming out the yin-yang. My family may not love those plans and I could find myself directing them to my article on losing it with finesse (because my back-up plans in the event of true financial ruin include moving in with them until I overstay my welcome!). The point is that I spent yesterday discovering more and more bad news that has potential to make my life very challenging for the foreseeable future and catastrophized.

Life is never as bad as it feels when you're paying attention to the news and social media. Also, just because one, two or several doors close to you, that doesn't mean all hope is lost. It just means you're going to have to identify the door that you want to open and then find a way to open it. One of the reasons it feels so bad is that we're aware of the alternatives. We know what we're capable of, what we can contribute and what we could do, if only given the chance. When we lose the opportunity to be our true selves, it feels like a physical blow. 

For me, the solution is to double down and get better at promoting my services Challenging my assumptions goes one step beyond simply acknowledging that I'm not barrelling toward financial ruin. I also have to admit my role in the situation.

I suck at promoting my practice. This is something I've put time into learning what is important to do (e.g., get a social media presence, advertise your services, etc.) but if we're being honest, I've always had enough going on that I haven't really bothered with this. If we're being brutally honest, I've been so lax about this that I haven't even figured out what the "etc" might be. So, I've spent today trying to learn more about using Facebook and Instagram for marketing purposes and figuring out how to use them to my benefit. This brings me to the fourth and final step in losing it with finesse. 

4) Stay True to Your Values As You Plan for Action
Once you've identified your emotions, challenged your assumptions and been honest about your role in the situation, it is time to develop a plan to prevent the situation from continuing to control you. It is time to take control over the situation. Shit happens. That's life. You can throw a tantrum every time bad stuff happens to you or you can recognise a rough situation for what it is and move on.

Doing the latter doesn't mean rolling over and taking it. It means recognising that the situation is going to happen no matter how much you fight it, so you might as well develop a strategy for coping with it.

In my case, the plan has entailed seeking assistance with promoting my services. It has also entailed taking a closer look at the resources available to me. For instance, when I built this website, I included a blog feature because I love to write. However, I created this website immediately prior to finding myself deep in the heart of a PhD and caring for a dog dying of cancer.

My website was, admittedly not a priority and fell off my radar. However, when I reframed my role from one of being on the precipice of financial ruin to one of having to take more responsibility for my financial success, I looked deeper at what I had already created for myself. What I discovered was that somewhere along the line, I had accounted for a time when marketing and self-promotion would be necessary.

Often, taking that step back and looking at the situation, not with a fresh set of eyes, but from the eyes of our younger selves, we can seek the solutions to our problems. This is because our true values stick with us throughout our lives. Self-sufficiency and using my skills to help others have always been important to me. My younger self knew that and accounted for it by creating a blog feature on my practice's website. Then, my younger self got waylaid by things that were far more important to her: 1) my sweet dog, Riley and 2) my educational and professional progression. I focused on those and forgot entirely about the blog.

Now, as my self-sufficiency is challenged for real for the first time since creating the blog, I have something to fall back on in order to remain true to my current (and younger) self. In this case, my plan is to use my reduced work opportunities to market my services (and also to focus on bonding with Max and maybe making up another batch of applesauce). For now, I'm going to go play with Max. It is therapeutic and self-care is all part of my plan to stay true to my values. ;)  

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